Where I am right now....

Warning:  This is a long post...probably the longest I've ever written, and it's all over the place and may not make much sense to anyone...  Sorry....  

I think I said on my old blog (when I did my new year's resolutions) that I would do a post about where I am spiritually (or something along those lines).

First I'll start with my childhood... I wasn't really brought up in church. Now don't take that as my family didn't believe in God because they do. But going to church never seemed like a priority. We mostly went on holidays and every blue moon. Mom and Dad were members of a teeny tiny church in our teeny tiny town. Only a few, meaning like maybe 10 people, went to church there. That's no joke.  

My sister and I started going to church with Mamaw (mom's mom) at her church which was only about 8 miles away. This church was bigger, had more people, and more stuff for children and youth to be involved in. My sister and I ended up joining this church and we got baptized and saved. I vaguely remember these moments, but I know they happened. These moments are suppose to make an impact on your life and you're suppose to remember them forever, right??? Well I wish I could say that...   

So after having been saved and baptized, most people have a "new" feeling about themselves, right?? Well I don't remember having that either. Or maybe I did and it just faded..??  I don't know...    

The people I went to church with went to different schools and I didn't see them on a daily basis. So I didn't have that accountability I needed.  

I went to church camp twice and I loved it!  I really did.  One year I even rededicated my life and I do remember feeling like something about me changed.  BUT....when I got back home, I started hanging out with my friends that I went to school with (that weren't involved in church) and I started doing the things I always did...smoking, drinking, cussing...etc....  So it was like I never even changed.  

Then I get out in the real world...on my own....  I moved to a college town and of course, partied a lot.  Got married twice.... Husband #1 tried to get me to go to church with him when we started having problems, but I wanted nothing to do with it.  My mom told me we needed to get involved in a church and start going to counseling, but I just didn't even want to try.  I gave up, and moved on.  

Husband #2 would not go to church with me.  I tried and tried to get him to go with me but he wouldn't.  I didn't want to go by myself to a new church so I let that keep me from going.  In all those years, I finally went by myself to church one Sunday.  But I didn't feel welcome at all.  No one asked me if I was new, didn't ask me to come back, didn't say they were glad to have me, nothing!  So I never went back.  (Sidenote:  I knew before I married him that he wasn't a man of God.  But I always thought I could change him.  Big mistake.  (Read Ezra Chapter 9).  I even let his beliefs, or lack thereof, affect my beliefs.  At one point, I questioned if God even existed.  And I never really understood his reasons behind all of it...)  But, I felt a huge tug at my heart one day, like God was trying to tell me something.  But I ignored it and kept on doing things that didn't glorify Him.  My marriage started going down hill and eventually failed.  This was just a really bad time in my life.  

When I met Mr. Right, I noticed one night that he had a lot of the Left Behind books and a few of the movies along with some other religious stuff.  So I asked him if he was a religious person and all that.  He said he used to be, but not so much anymore.  He said that he wanted to start attending church again and start living right.  (Bonus! haha)  Well, I was already attracted to him, but a man that believes in God and wants to do better was just the icing on the cake!  So, we started going to church together on Sunday mornings.  I really really enjoyed the church he went to.  I loved the fact that I understood the preacher and it was just great all together.  We never went to Sunday School there, but I'm sure it would have been great too.  But then when I got pregnant, we stopped going because I was so tired all the time and I never wanted to do much of anything.  

So, we moved here when I was 6 months pregnant and we said we were going to start looking for a church.  We went to a few but didn't go enough to really know if any of them were right for us.  And then Sweet Pea graced us with her presence.  We have just recently gone to a new church a couple of times and I have never felt so welcome.  Everyone was so nice (almost to the point of being overwhelming!) and I really enjoyed the one sermon I got to sit through (Sweet Pea doesn't care for the nursery yet).  We attended Sunday School last week and I enjoyed it also.  But there is still something holding me back.  I somehow always find something that I don't like about a church.  And I know this is going to sound so awful, but I just sometimes feel like the people are being fake.  Like...they are all just so nice and happy.  Mr. Right says I'm so negative about everything.  I just feel like no one can be that genuinely nice???  I don't know why I feel like this.  I guess maybe I'm jealous???  Deep down, I wish I could be like that.  But I've been around so much negativity all my life, that it's like there is no hope for me....  At least, that's how I feel.  Anywho...

Also, I just feel really dumb when it comes to stories of the bible and I just really don't know anything about it.  I don't know who did what and why and so on...  I'm always having to ask Mr. Right to explain stuff to me.  I'm so thankful that he was brought up in church and that he is able to help me comprehend stuff relating to the bible.  

This is a big one!  I don't want our children to be like me.  I've made so many horrible mistakes in my past that I think sometimes that if I was involved in a church all along, that maybe some of those things wouldn't have happened.  I want us to be godly parents to our children.  I want them to know right from wrong.  I want our children to know what's important in life.  And that's putting Jesus first and living for Him!

Not only all of that, but just for me and my marriage.  I need and want to make things right with Him.  I mean, it's wrong to enforce certain things if I'm not living that way too, right???? 

I don't know....  I know this post has been jumping from one thing to the other, but it's just stuff that's been on my mind lately.  This is where I am spiritually right now...  I just want to be the person God wants me to be and make Him happy.  I just need to figure out how to get past these few things holding me back.

If any of you took the time to read this insanely long post, I want to say thank you.  And any words of encouragement are welcome and greatly appreciated!!